What can I say? Breaking Dawn was everything a cynical, snarky reviewer could want in a comedy. There was a one-month pregnancy, a not-so-sexy-slash-more-abusive sex scene, topless Taylor Lautner and a three-minute conversation between a CGI wolf pack — bliss.
First off let's discuss the array of bad parenting. 1) Bella's parents agree to her marriage at age 18 to a boy they haven't even figured out is a vampire. 2) They don't force Edward to tell them where he's taken her on their honeymoon. 3) When Bella says she's sick and staying on her honeymoon, they don't attempt to find her medical care. 4) When Bella says she's going to a specialty hospital in Switzerland, her father Charlie does not insist on coming to see her.
Second, the accelerated pregnancy. Bella has been on her honeymoon exactly two weeks when she misses her period, gets morning sickness and feels a "creature" moving inside her stomach. Within another two weeks, Jacob comes over for a visit to find her looking at least seven months pregnant and anorexic. It's every Pro-Lifer's dream, there's no such thing as a first trimester.
Third, the weird relationship between Bella and Jacob. This has been acknowledged in other films, but my main complaint in this film is Edward's reaction. Instead of playing the jealous, overly protective beau of the past, he presents Bella to Jacob on her wedding day (to Edward) and walks away leaving them alone together to do God knows what. Edward also seems to be fine when Bella announces that nothing feels complete without Jacob there and seems pleased when she offers the boy name "Edward Jacob: E.J." for their first-born child. This isn't Brother Husbands, Bella. Seriously, pick one.
Fourth, the abusive sex. Come on Edward, chill. We get it, that pale-skinned goth look really gets your blood (or lack there of) pumping, but is destruction of private property really necessary? I know you tried to take some breaks and play some chess (a completely normal honeymoon activity) outside, while forgetting to sparkle, but clearly that only built the sexual tension.
Fifth, my favorite scene of the movie. For those of you who haven't seen it, watch the Beauty and the Beast clip below and imagine the villagers are anamorphed into CGI werewolves. It was about three minutes of human dialogue paired with digital snarls to create ultimate awesomeness.
Having a phobia of pregnancy and an uncanny obsession with this film's ending, my theater experience proved interesting. Edward is forced to bite Bella's stomach open in order to save their baby's life, and I was more than excited to see the fairly talent-less Kristen Stewart attempt to portray this on the big screen. Unfortunately, I forgot that pain and distress are the two emotions Stewart successfully conveys and the scene wasn't quite as comical as I had hoped.The make up team (or Stewart's diet) did an excellent job of making her look emaciated as the vampire child swapped baby food for her host's vital organs. I'm pretty excited to see the fifth and final installment set to come out Nov. 16, 2012.
For more reasons why I love Twilight, CLICK HERE.
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